Just cropdusted the office
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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