I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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