did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
