I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you had me at cake vodka
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
