I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
