2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
