they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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