I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
