i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
