My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
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He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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