When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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