I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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