I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
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Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
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Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave