You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times