haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Your topless pictures make me question reality
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
