on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
