Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
and you fell through a lawn chair
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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