Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
