Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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