I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
