my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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