I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
