Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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