I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I pour the whiskey from now on
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
