The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
how can u be prego again
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
