i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
