Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
