How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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