Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
