Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
