You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
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As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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