I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
