I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
