If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
