he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Come see our sink grown plant.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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