I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
