The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
and she was petting her beer can
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
