and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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