my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
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At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
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So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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