Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He? As in you personified your dick?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
