Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
