Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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