I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
