Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
