Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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