A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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