he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
