I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
