i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
