im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
only you would photoshop your dick
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
