everyone is single if you try hard enough
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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