just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
