Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Someone signed my nipple.
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