I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
