I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
