So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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