trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
