I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
