Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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