she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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