if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
